In psychotherapy, there is a technique called “Flooding” or “Exposure Therapy.” It is a therapy used to treat phobias specifically.The concept is that you expose the person to the feared object a lot and the person becomes immune to the fear because nothing bad happens to them. It is a huge step out of the comfort zone to engage in this technique because you are literally facing your fears.
I started thinking about all of this after reading an article about how one man made rejection a game. He had so much fear of rejection that he made himself get rejected everyday so that it had less of an impact on him. Here is the whole article:
A student of mine once gave me a mug that said, “Give Fear the Finger.” I thought it was great. But in thinking about fear and my relationship with fear, I think it is evolving from “give fear the finger” to “make friends with fear.” That is basically what this guy did. He made friends with his fear of rejection; he sought it out. So when he got rejected, he won. What flooding does is it allows you to be with the fear, notice it, but not let it dictate your actions. It can be an extremely freeing experience.
So what fears are you willing to make friends with? How can you expose yourself more to what you are afraid of? Perhaps it’s fear of success which means you must step even more into your Greatness. Whatever your fear is, be open to stepping out of your comfort zone and exposing yourself to your fears. Who knows what can happen when we stop avoiding fear and start making friends with it.
I was journaling the other day in closing out 2014 and embarking on 2015. A question I came across asked, “What do I want my life to really be about?” I sat and thought about it for a minute and I immediately wrote down what came to mind:
“Connecting people to their Greatness, to help end the suffering created by ourselves and our thoughts, and to create a legacy so this continues beyond my lifetime”
In thinking about it, that is basically what my life is about because I created it that way. So much of the past 5 years have been about getting to where I am now: moving to Florida, getting married, opening a yoga studio at the beach, and creating a vibrant yoga community in the Power Yoga Tribe. I believe so much in creating the life you want to live as opposed to letting life happen. The reason I am where I am now is because I moved into action and made it happen. I am now committing to living this on a much grander scale!
Dreams are great but dreams remain in the dream world when we stay in our heads. Action is the key in terms of making changes. One of the best ways to move yourself into action is to have an Action Plan. Envision what you want your life to be like in 3-5 years. Be specific in writing down how you see your life. Then write down what you want to accomplish and by when. To further move you into action on one or more of your goals, write down what you are going to do within the next 30 days towards this goal, then what you are going to do in the next week towards this goal, and then within the next 24 hours towards this goal. This is the accountability factor. You are now writing it down and committing to doing something towards this goal.
Setting an intention (i.e., what you want your life to really be about) is a great way to start everyday. Be clear about what it is you want to create and do something every day towards that goal. The only thing that is going to get in the way of you getting what you want is You and Fear. When fear and resistance show up, notice them and keep on moving into action. You will look back and be amazed at what you can create when you Just Take Action.
Just like everyone else, I want to be liked. I want people to like me and think I am a good person because I am. However, with the work I have done in yoga, I have dropped a lot of people-pleasing from my life. I often speak directly to people without trying to “sugar-coat” what I say. I also hold people accountable at work and in my personal life. I believe that, most recently, I have been standing in my power, living my truth, and being impeccable with my word. It can be challenging to do this on a daily basis but I am committed to my process of transformation because it has brought peace, joy, and connection into my life.
What I have noticed over the past few weeks is that people do not always respond favorably to my way of being. I have heard that people are gossiping about me and a lot of what I have heard are untruths. At first, I really struggled with this. I wanted to tell everyone what the Truth was because I want to be right and liked. What I realized is that all of this, all the gossiping, untruths etc…have absolutely nothing to do with me. It has all to do with the people doing the gossiping. They are unhappy with me. It is them who have a problem with my way of being. So why does this have to impact me? I know who I am.
The other day I realized that the reason these issues are presenting themselves to me right now is because this is my work. It is my work to accept that people may not approve of the way I live my life, may not like my way of being, and may actually have their own perception of me that is different than my own. So when I want to tell people the truth, I have to realize that their beliefs about me is their truth. So there is nothing to say, nothing to do, and definitely nothing to fix. So what…they don’t like me. I can not change who I am to please everyone.
The lesson has been profound. Not everyone is going to like me and some people may actually have strong negative opinions of me. I am okay with people having their own perceptions of me that are different from my own. I do not have to tell them my truth or change their opinions of me. I know who I am and I am proud of how I live my life. This experience has allowed me to embrace myself and others from a place of total acceptance. I totally accept who I am, who they are, and the fact that not everyone likes the same things.
Next time I hear that someone was saying something negative about me, I am going to say “So What,” mean it, and continue doing me!
A year ago last night a car crashed through our yoga studio while I was practicing and my husband was teaching. Everyone was okay and no one was fatally injured. (“A Glimpse of Truth,” October 2013 post describes the incident.) As I always say, everything unfolds in the exact manner it is meant to and there is nothing wrong. I truly believe that about the accident. I gained a new perspective on life and a deeper relationship with God. Because of this, I felt as though I had healed emotionally from what happened.
So last night, my husband and I decided to take class at our studio. Although the accident occurred on 10/25/13, last night’s 6pm class was the same class last year when it happened. I mentioned it to my husband before we went into class that tonight was the “anniversary.” The practice was awesome; it was a fun Friday night Happy Hour class. I was doing all sorts of things and having breakthroughs on my mat. Then at the end of the class, I was in classical headstand and I felt myself falling over. It is one of my greatest fears- falling out of headstand, forearm balance, and handstand. It is just such an out of control feeling. Well, guess what? I fell yesterday. I hardly ever fall out of that particular pose too. As I was falling, I had a sense of everything that happened during last year’s accident as I was in the air. When I fell, I tucked and rolled and I was fine. But when I went to lay back on my mat, my body could not stop shaking. I have had that feeling before and people have described it as your body releasing energy. Aside from facing my fear and falling, I feel that what was being released was energy from the accident that was still lodged in my body’s tissues.
Have you ever been in a yoga pose and all of a sudden felt a strong emotion, like sadness, anger, agitation? What happens is that energy gets stored in our bodies. I like the phrase “issues in our tissues.” I have been in hip openers, like pigeon and frog, and just started crying. I felt sadness but I did not know why. I just allowed it and felt lighter when I was done. That is what I believed happened to me last night. I feel as though I was able to release something my body was still holding onto energetically from last year.
If strong feelings start to come up on the mat, just let them be, stay in the pose, and just witness all of it. Issues you think are resolved may still be holding on energetically. Your body has a wisdom and yoga allows your body the space to heal itself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I have started a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course this week and it has been life-changing. The idea of mindfulness is to pay attention in a particular way. MBSR was created by Jon Kabat-Zinn out of the University of Massachusetts to help medical patients deal with chronic pain, illness, depression and anxiety. Our homework this week was to meditate for 45 minutes a day. I have had consistent mediation practices in the past but none that recently. When I did meditate, it was usually for 10-15 minutes at the most. 45 minutes is a long time. What happens in that 45 minutes can be quite crazy. This week (Week 1) our meditation is the Body Scan. As you go through body awareness meditations, your mind wanders off to all sorts of places. In the past when I have meditated, the minute I realized I was thinking I made myself go back to the breath. (The breath can be an anchor in meditations.) It was almost in a punishing, fix-it kind of way. This mindfulness practice was different. Every time you notice that you are not paying attention to the point of focus and your mind has wandered, it is seen as an opportunity to practice mindfulness. So instead of seeing myself as a bad meditator, now when I am thinking, I realize how this is an awesome opportunity to practice mindfulness.
What has been really cool is that it has already had an immediate impact my life. I have been dealing with a great deal of anxiety this week. Due to my mindfulness practices, I have been able to notice my body sensations and also see them as opportunities to practice mindfulness. Instead of giving meaning and interpretations to the feelings, I pay attention to them. I have had a few challenging situations come up this week and one was with my husband. Instead of emotionally reacting or getting into a story, I was able to observe my body sensations, thoughts, and feelings without giving them any meaning. What seemed like adversity was an opportunity for growth. Instead of reacting, I choose to be mindful and from that there has been amazing opportunity for growth and connection.
Week One of MBSR has shown me that what may appear as an adversity is actually another opportunity to practice mindfulness. It is amazing when you approach life this way. Although I am fully aware of my feelings and thoughts, I am able to witness them and allow them to be just as they are. #witnesseverything #nostruggle
I just returned from a Karma Yoga Service Trip to Nicaragua. My friend, Elizabeth, and I led a group of 10 people through 6 days of community service, yoga, connection, and relationship building in a small Nicaraguan town called Jiquilillo. It was incredible on so many levels. What was amazing to me was all the connection that occurred over the 6 days.
On the day we were traveling to the airport, I came down with a “bug.” It was a pretty severe stomach virus which caused me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. We had a 4 hour drive to the airport some of it on a bumpy dirt road. My stomach was reeking havoc the whole time. What was amazing to me was the way the group was able to “take care” of me. We joked, we talked about the funniest movies we ever saw, etc… Every time I was focused on the group and laughing, I didn’t experience distress even though I was sick. Once it got quiet, I started to notice the nausea and stomach cramping. Now I know those feeling were there the whole time I just wasn’t focusing on it when I was engaged in the group.
This is what it is like in a yoga class for me. Even if a pose is difficult or causing me some physical distress, I look to the group, listen to my neighbor breath, and the distress disappears. This is also how I saw a lot of our time in Nicaragua. At one point during the trip, we went to cook and serve lunch at a garbage dump where thousands of people live. While the food was cooking, many of us played with the local children. We were blowing bubbles, playing soccer, and face painting. The kids were over joyed because the focus was on having fun and not on what they did not have.
We had a lot of jokes and laughs on the Karma Yoga Service Trip to Nicaragua. A big take away is what we focus on, we give energy to and that laughter is one of the best medicines for really anything!
As far back as I can remember, I have always been waiting for something. Waiting to graduate college. Waiting to get into graduate school. Waiting to graduate from grad school. Waiting to be done with teacher training. Waiting to start teaching at a yoga studio. Waiting to open a yoga studio. You get the point. There is always some goal I am trying to attain and then life will be settled. Right?
It hit me this weekend that I am never settled. I always have a goal I am working towards. Now there is nothing inherently wrong with working towards a goal. The problem arises when we lose sight of right now because we are so overly focused with the future. This weekend I caught myself a few times thinking about how life will be settled once we have a few more teachers at the studio and we can take a vacation. Then I thought “No it won’t.” Life will never be settled when I am in the midst of waiting for something to happen. Life is happening right now. It doesn’t stop until we reach a particular goal. I have said it countless times, “it’s not about arriving at the destination, it’s about enjoying the journey.”
Life is the journey. We are all on a journey towards some desired goal, be it a better job, marriage, divorce, or even retirement. The idea is to not get caught up on how life will be when we finally arrive at our destination. Life is happening right now. What are you going to do in this very moment? Are you enjoying the journey?
The message was loud and clear to me and I want to share it with you. Stop waiting for what you want your life to be and start living the life you have right now. Nothing is guaranteed- not accomplishing your goals, not even waking up tomorrow morning. So start living the life you want Right Now because that is all that exists anyway
Okay so I have been living in Florida for almost 3 years now. My husband and I live pretty close to the ocean so we get to go to the beach a lot. This past weekend, when we were at the beach, the ocean was pretty turbulent. There were a lot of warnings about riptides due to the high winds. I usually don’t like to go into the ocean when it is so turbulent. But my husband said he would hold my hand and I was hot so I ventured into the water. I was only thigh deep and the waves were crashing into me. I stood sideways towards the wave and grounded my feet deep into the ocean floor so I could withstand the wave. When my husband saw what I was doing, he asked why was I hunkering down? He told me to soften my body and surrender to the wave. Surrender to the wave? This seemed crazy but I tried it. The next wave hit my body and I immediately softened the muscles in my body; low and behold, my body just floated and moved with the wave. It was ease instead of force.
As I walked back to the beach, I was shocked at how this lesson of surrender really landed in my body. It also made me think about driving in the snow. If you have ever driven in snow, you learn very quickly that when your car starts to skid on ice and snow, you go with it. You do not try to resist or turn the car in the opposite direction as that only makes the situation worse. How many times when faced with challenging and difficult situations, do we hunker down and resist what is happening? We may create a wall so that we can block ourselves from everything.
The lesson this past weekend was of surrender. When we just let go and surrender to what is, we will be carried by the winds of Grace. So next time you find yourself resisting what is happening, try to soften your body, relax and surrender. Something magical may unfold.
(I learned this lesson “Let Go, Let God” very well this past October. If you want to read more about that, go to A Glimpse of Truth-October 2013.)
In the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, he talks about your Zone of Genius. This is basically your dharma; what you were meant to be doing here on Earth to elevate the world. You know you have found your Zone when you could do it for hours on end, it never gets old, and it lights you up and gives you energy. It is also something that makes you somewhat uncomfortable. The discomfort is from playing big and not staying in your comfort zone.
Ever since I learned about this concept, I have been exploring what my Zone is. As most of you know, I am a clinical psychologist who closed her psychotherapy practice down to open a yoga studio. Since closing my practice, I have dipped my toes in many waters to see if this or that was the right path for me. The other day I realized that I have been in a transition for the past 3 years. However, the other evening, after completing a yoga counseling session with a client, I got very clear. I am meant to bring mental health and yoga together. That is my Zone. I have known this for a long time and I know it in my heart. When I say it out loud, it gives me goosebumps and I tear up. This is my passion.
I have stated this before even on this blog site. So what is keeping me from living it? I have not been focused on my Zone. I have been focused on everything else, the studio, how to make a living owning a studio, even starting another business. It is funny how that happens. What we focus on, we give energy to. I have not been focused on my Zone so thus, I have not moved forward in this area. I think it has to do with resistance. My Zone is so uncomfortable to me that I find other things to focus on. However, when I get clear, I know that I want to be up to Great things and elevate the world and inspire Greatness in others. That means getting comfortable being uncomfortable.
Where are you hiding and what are you resisting? Are you living in your Zone everyday? If not, why?
Today I commit to setting the intention to live in my Zone and do something every day to get closer and closer to my dharma. Set the intention Right Now about what it is you want to create for the world, say it out loud, and then go and do it!
You are already more than enough. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone or even to yourself. Just your being is enough.
Do you believe these statements? I think the majority of us feel as though we are not good enough and we need to do something amazing to prove to the world and to ourselves that we are okay.
I see this all the time in the yoga studio. Students won’t take the modification of a pose or rest in child’s pose because they are trying to prove something to themselves or to those around them. Where does workaholism come from? From the ego that’s where. From a place of not good enough. If I work hard enough, then I will be okay. If I rest, I am a lazy bum.
On some level I think that the feeling of not being enough is pretty universal. I definitely experience this. This is part of the reason I love telling people that I have a doctorate and I ran a marathon. Both of those things only 1% of the general population are able to do. If I can do what only 1% of the population can do, then I must be pretty special. I came to this realization this week that this feeling of not being enough still has an impact on me even though I have been aware of it for awhile. It seems that once you become aware of your ego (feelings of not good enough) they usually take on another form until we wake up to what is happening. For example, my not good enough has often manifested as me trying to be better than other people. However, the more aware I have become to this pattern, the less it impacts me. But this week I realized that my ego is currently manifesting itself in this need to heal the world. Yup…I feel like I am responsible for people’s personal transformation. It is basically my ego’s way of saying I am not okay if I am not helping you.
Once we awaken to our ego and become more aware, those patterns will have less of an impact on us. However, the ego does not die. It often chooses a different form. People pleasing is one of the ego’s favorite forms. Once you start to become aware, you have just embarked on a journey of self-discovery that has no end point and no destination. Once you think you have a handle of your ego, it will transform into something else. Keep waking up to your ego and you will see that the truth is you are already more than enough.