Just like everyone else, I want to be liked. I want people to like me and think I am a good person because I am. However, with the work I have done in yoga, I have dropped a lot of people-pleasing from my life. I often speak directly to people without trying to “sugar-coat” what I say. I also hold people accountable at work and in my personal life. I believe that, most recently, I have been standing in my power, living my truth, and being impeccable with my word. It can be challenging to do this on a daily basis but I am committed to my process of transformation because it has brought peace, joy, and connection into my life.
What I have noticed over the past few weeks is that people do not always respond favorably to my way of being. I have heard that people are gossiping about me and a lot of what I have heard are untruths. At first, I really struggled with this. I wanted to tell everyone what the Truth was because I want to be right and liked. What I realized is that all of this, all the gossiping, untruths etc…have absolutely nothing to do with me. It has all to do with the people doing the gossiping. They are unhappy with me. It is them who have a problem with my way of being. So why does this have to impact me? I know who I am.
The other day I realized that the reason these issues are presenting themselves to me right now is because this is my work. It is my work to accept that people may not approve of the way I live my life, may not like my way of being, and may actually have their own perception of me that is different than my own. So when I want to tell people the truth, I have to realize that their beliefs about me is their truth. So there is nothing to say, nothing to do, and definitely nothing to fix. So what…they don’t like me. I can not change who I am to please everyone.
The lesson has been profound. Not everyone is going to like me and some people may actually have strong negative opinions of me. I am okay with people having their own perceptions of me that are different from my own. I do not have to tell them my truth or change their opinions of me. I know who I am and I am proud of how I live my life. This experience has allowed me to embrace myself and others from a place of total acceptance. I totally accept who I am, who they are, and the fact that not everyone likes the same things.
Next time I hear that someone was saying something negative about me, I am going to say “So What,” mean it, and continue doing me!
A year ago last night a car crashed through our yoga studio while I was practicing and my husband was teaching. Everyone was okay and no one was fatally injured. (“A Glimpse of Truth,” October 2013 post describes the incident.) As I always say, everything unfolds in the exact manner it is meant to and there is nothing wrong. I truly believe that about the accident. I gained a new perspective on life and a deeper relationship with God. Because of this, I felt as though I had healed emotionally from what happened.
So last night, my husband and I decided to take class at our studio. Although the accident occurred on 10/25/13, last night’s 6pm class was the same class last year when it happened. I mentioned it to my husband before we went into class that tonight was the “anniversary.” The practice was awesome; it was a fun Friday night Happy Hour class. I was doing all sorts of things and having breakthroughs on my mat. Then at the end of the class, I was in classical headstand and I felt myself falling over. It is one of my greatest fears- falling out of headstand, forearm balance, and handstand. It is just such an out of control feeling. Well, guess what? I fell yesterday. I hardly ever fall out of that particular pose too. As I was falling, I had a sense of everything that happened during last year’s accident as I was in the air. When I fell, I tucked and rolled and I was fine. But when I went to lay back on my mat, my body could not stop shaking. I have had that feeling before and people have described it as your body releasing energy. Aside from facing my fear and falling, I feel that what was being released was energy from the accident that was still lodged in my body’s tissues.
Have you ever been in a yoga pose and all of a sudden felt a strong emotion, like sadness, anger, agitation? What happens is that energy gets stored in our bodies. I like the phrase “issues in our tissues.” I have been in hip openers, like pigeon and frog, and just started crying. I felt sadness but I did not know why. I just allowed it and felt lighter when I was done. That is what I believed happened to me last night. I feel as though I was able to release something my body was still holding onto energetically from last year.
If strong feelings start to come up on the mat, just let them be, stay in the pose, and just witness all of it. Issues you think are resolved may still be holding on energetically. Your body has a wisdom and yoga allows your body the space to heal itself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I have started a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course this week and it has been life-changing. The idea of mindfulness is to pay attention in a particular way. MBSR was created by Jon Kabat-Zinn out of the University of Massachusetts to help medical patients deal with chronic pain, illness, depression and anxiety. Our homework this week was to meditate for 45 minutes a day. I have had consistent mediation practices in the past but none that recently. When I did meditate, it was usually for 10-15 minutes at the most. 45 minutes is a long time. What happens in that 45 minutes can be quite crazy. This week (Week 1) our meditation is the Body Scan. As you go through body awareness meditations, your mind wanders off to all sorts of places. In the past when I have meditated, the minute I realized I was thinking I made myself go back to the breath. (The breath can be an anchor in meditations.) It was almost in a punishing, fix-it kind of way. This mindfulness practice was different. Every time you notice that you are not paying attention to the point of focus and your mind has wandered, it is seen as an opportunity to practice mindfulness. So instead of seeing myself as a bad meditator, now when I am thinking, I realize how this is an awesome opportunity to practice mindfulness.
What has been really cool is that it has already had an immediate impact my life. I have been dealing with a great deal of anxiety this week. Due to my mindfulness practices, I have been able to notice my body sensations and also see them as opportunities to practice mindfulness. Instead of giving meaning and interpretations to the feelings, I pay attention to them. I have had a few challenging situations come up this week and one was with my husband. Instead of emotionally reacting or getting into a story, I was able to observe my body sensations, thoughts, and feelings without giving them any meaning. What seemed like adversity was an opportunity for growth. Instead of reacting, I choose to be mindful and from that there has been amazing opportunity for growth and connection.
Week One of MBSR has shown me that what may appear as an adversity is actually another opportunity to practice mindfulness. It is amazing when you approach life this way. Although I am fully aware of my feelings and thoughts, I am able to witness them and allow them to be just as they are. #witnesseverything #nostruggle
I just returned from a Karma Yoga Service Trip to Nicaragua. My friend, Elizabeth, and I led a group of 10 people through 6 days of community service, yoga, connection, and relationship building in a small Nicaraguan town called Jiquilillo. It was incredible on so many levels. What was amazing to me was all the connection that occurred over the 6 days.
On the day we were traveling to the airport, I came down with a “bug.” It was a pretty severe stomach virus which caused me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. We had a 4 hour drive to the airport some of it on a bumpy dirt road. My stomach was reeking havoc the whole time. What was amazing to me was the way the group was able to “take care” of me. We joked, we talked about the funniest movies we ever saw, etc… Every time I was focused on the group and laughing, I didn’t experience distress even though I was sick. Once it got quiet, I started to notice the nausea and stomach cramping. Now I know those feeling were there the whole time I just wasn’t focusing on it when I was engaged in the group.
This is what it is like in a yoga class for me. Even if a pose is difficult or causing me some physical distress, I look to the group, listen to my neighbor breath, and the distress disappears. This is also how I saw a lot of our time in Nicaragua. At one point during the trip, we went to cook and serve lunch at a garbage dump where thousands of people live. While the food was cooking, many of us played with the local children. We were blowing bubbles, playing soccer, and face painting. The kids were over joyed because the focus was on having fun and not on what they did not have.
We had a lot of jokes and laughs on the Karma Yoga Service Trip to Nicaragua. A big take away is what we focus on, we give energy to and that laughter is one of the best medicines for really anything!
As far back as I can remember, I have always been waiting for something. Waiting to graduate college. Waiting to get into graduate school. Waiting to graduate from grad school. Waiting to be done with teacher training. Waiting to start teaching at a yoga studio. Waiting to open a yoga studio. You get the point. There is always some goal I am trying to attain and then life will be settled. Right?
It hit me this weekend that I am never settled. I always have a goal I am working towards. Now there is nothing inherently wrong with working towards a goal. The problem arises when we lose sight of right now because we are so overly focused with the future. This weekend I caught myself a few times thinking about how life will be settled once we have a few more teachers at the studio and we can take a vacation. Then I thought “No it won’t.” Life will never be settled when I am in the midst of waiting for something to happen. Life is happening right now. It doesn’t stop until we reach a particular goal. I have said it countless times, “it’s not about arriving at the destination, it’s about enjoying the journey.”
Life is the journey. We are all on a journey towards some desired goal, be it a better job, marriage, divorce, or even retirement. The idea is to not get caught up on how life will be when we finally arrive at our destination. Life is happening right now. What are you going to do in this very moment? Are you enjoying the journey?
The message was loud and clear to me and I want to share it with you. Stop waiting for what you want your life to be and start living the life you have right now. Nothing is guaranteed- not accomplishing your goals, not even waking up tomorrow morning. So start living the life you want Right Now because that is all that exists anyway
Okay so I have been living in Florida for almost 3 years now. My husband and I live pretty close to the ocean so we get to go to the beach a lot. This past weekend, when we were at the beach, the ocean was pretty turbulent. There were a lot of warnings about riptides due to the high winds. I usually don’t like to go into the ocean when it is so turbulent. But my husband said he would hold my hand and I was hot so I ventured into the water. I was only thigh deep and the waves were crashing into me. I stood sideways towards the wave and grounded my feet deep into the ocean floor so I could withstand the wave. When my husband saw what I was doing, he asked why was I hunkering down? He told me to soften my body and surrender to the wave. Surrender to the wave? This seemed crazy but I tried it. The next wave hit my body and I immediately softened the muscles in my body; low and behold, my body just floated and moved with the wave. It was ease instead of force.
As I walked back to the beach, I was shocked at how this lesson of surrender really landed in my body. It also made me think about driving in the snow. If you have ever driven in snow, you learn very quickly that when your car starts to skid on ice and snow, you go with it. You do not try to resist or turn the car in the opposite direction as that only makes the situation worse. How many times when faced with challenging and difficult situations, do we hunker down and resist what is happening? We may create a wall so that we can block ourselves from everything.
The lesson this past weekend was of surrender. When we just let go and surrender to what is, we will be carried by the winds of Grace. So next time you find yourself resisting what is happening, try to soften your body, relax and surrender. Something magical may unfold.
(I learned this lesson “Let Go, Let God” very well this past October. If you want to read more about that, go to A Glimpse of Truth-October 2013.)
In the Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, he talks about your Zone of Genius. This is basically your dharma; what you were meant to be doing here on Earth to elevate the world. You know you have found your Zone when you could do it for hours on end, it never gets old, and it lights you up and gives you energy. It is also something that makes you somewhat uncomfortable. The discomfort is from playing big and not staying in your comfort zone.
Ever since I learned about this concept, I have been exploring what my Zone is. As most of you know, I am a clinical psychologist who closed her psychotherapy practice down to open a yoga studio. Since closing my practice, I have dipped my toes in many waters to see if this or that was the right path for me. The other day I realized that I have been in a transition for the past 3 years. However, the other evening, after completing a yoga counseling session with a client, I got very clear. I am meant to bring mental health and yoga together. That is my Zone. I have known this for a long time and I know it in my heart. When I say it out loud, it gives me goosebumps and I tear up. This is my passion.
I have stated this before even on this blog site. So what is keeping me from living it? I have not been focused on my Zone. I have been focused on everything else, the studio, how to make a living owning a studio, even starting another business. It is funny how that happens. What we focus on, we give energy to. I have not been focused on my Zone so thus, I have not moved forward in this area. I think it has to do with resistance. My Zone is so uncomfortable to me that I find other things to focus on. However, when I get clear, I know that I want to be up to Great things and elevate the world and inspire Greatness in others. That means getting comfortable being uncomfortable.
Where are you hiding and what are you resisting? Are you living in your Zone everyday? If not, why?
Today I commit to setting the intention to live in my Zone and do something every day to get closer and closer to my dharma. Set the intention Right Now about what it is you want to create for the world, say it out loud, and then go and do it!
You are already more than enough. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone or even to yourself. Just your being is enough.
Do you believe these statements? I think the majority of us feel as though we are not good enough and we need to do something amazing to prove to the world and to ourselves that we are okay.
I see this all the time in the yoga studio. Students won’t take the modification of a pose or rest in child’s pose because they are trying to prove something to themselves or to those around them. Where does workaholism come from? From the ego that’s where. From a place of not good enough. If I work hard enough, then I will be okay. If I rest, I am a lazy bum.
On some level I think that the feeling of not being enough is pretty universal. I definitely experience this. This is part of the reason I love telling people that I have a doctorate and I ran a marathon. Both of those things only 1% of the general population are able to do. If I can do what only 1% of the population can do, then I must be pretty special. I came to this realization this week that this feeling of not being enough still has an impact on me even though I have been aware of it for awhile. It seems that once you become aware of your ego (feelings of not good enough) they usually take on another form until we wake up to what is happening. For example, my not good enough has often manifested as me trying to be better than other people. However, the more aware I have become to this pattern, the less it impacts me. But this week I realized that my ego is currently manifesting itself in this need to heal the world. Yup…I feel like I am responsible for people’s personal transformation. It is basically my ego’s way of saying I am not okay if I am not helping you.
Once we awaken to our ego and become more aware, those patterns will have less of an impact on us. However, the ego does not die. It often chooses a different form. People pleasing is one of the ego’s favorite forms. Once you start to become aware, you have just embarked on a journey of self-discovery that has no end point and no destination. Once you think you have a handle of your ego, it will transform into something else. Keep waking up to your ego and you will see that the truth is you are already more than enough.
There is a saying in our yoga world, “You gotta suck before you can shine.” It basically gives you permission to makes mistakes and be messy when you are first learning something. Isn’t it ridiculous that we expect to be perfect when we do something for the first time? I don’t know about you but I want to do it right and do it good from the very beginning. When did that happen? I remember being a kid and not worrying how I did things…I just did them. I did not evaluate how well I did them either. At some point in our lives, we learn that making mistakes and being messy is a bad thing and something we should try to avoid. Isn’t making mistakes part of the learning process? How would we learn if we never did anything wrong?
I will give you an example from yoga. When you first learn to jump back from crow pose, people often belly flop. It is just part of the learning process. You belly flop so that you can learn how to better access your core in order to jump your legs back. If you think about it…it isn’t even a mistake to belly flop. It’s just part of the learning process. Ah, so maybe we have just been calling it a mistake or messy when it is really just learning. How many times do you have to fall down when you are learning to walk or to ride a bike? Several times because all of it is part of the learning process. By falling we learn what muscles we need to engage more so we can walk and bike ride without falling.
In yoga teacher trainings, this shows up a lot. New teachers want to be flawless and teach like their mentors do. However, teaching yoga is a process just like learning to walk, riding a bike and jumping back from crow. We want to arrive at the destination without ever taking the journey. The journey is where the beauty lies. So I often say you have to suck before you will shine. Embrace the messiness, the mistakes, the learning process because all of that is what allows us to shine so brightly.
Why is it that we have expectations of our teachers and mentors? It seems that sometimes we put them on a pedestal and expect them to be more than human. Perhaps it is because we see them as better than us and when they falter, we are shocked that they are actually just like us. I have experienced this a few times in the yoga world. There have only been a couple of teachers that I would call my mentors over the last ten years of practicing and last five years of teaching yoga. I called them my teachers because I felt blessed to have been taught and led by them. They have all inspired me to be great.
It is odd because I have never been the type of person who sought out a mentor. But for some reason on this yogic path I have sought out mentors. Perhaps because I have learned more from these teachers than any book has ever been able to teach me. Additionally, yoga is all about union. By actually connecting with my teachers, sharing who I am, my fears, stories, greatness and everything in between with them, has allowed for deep connections. It is interesting because I have found that over the years I have sought out their approval and validation of me as a fellow teacher. I sought their approval because I saw them as better than me. If they thought I was good enough, then I must be. Don’t we all do that? It starts with our parents, our first real teachers, and it continues on through our schooling and perhaps in mentoring relationships. Again, it goes back to the ego and the universal story of not being good enough. If we felt fine just as we were, we would not seek out this validation.
My recent awakening was that our teachers are human beings just like us. They falter and judge just like the rest of us and that is okay because they are us (no better, no worse). It is easy to fall into “Oh I thought they were different or special.” Why? They are just like us. I think we have to have expectations so that when they don’t live up to our expectations, it is a learning opportunity for us. It is an opportunity to see that we are all the same, no one greater than the next, no one more special than the next. It also teaches us that we don’t need validation or approval from anyone because we are all on the same level.
I never thought I would say this but…I want to thank all my teachers who have not lived up to my expectations because you have taught me the greatest lesson of all…we are all spiritual beings on a human journey with many flaws. I am sure that as a teacher to many I will also have the opportunity of teaching this lesson to some of my fellow students. But hopefully not too many